In today's world, children are exposed to death almost on a daily basis. They read or hear about deadly diseases, random shootings and the "passing on" of friends‚ grandparents or relatives. Just because they do not ask specific questions about death does not mean they do not think about it. Studies show that 80% of children think about death. Most never discuss it.


But let's face it. When it comes to talking about death, our discomfort level is right up there with that other discussion, -- that's it, sex. And while parents and caregivers may spend time and energy preparing for the talk about sex, most never give death a thought until there is a crisis. By that time, the adults are so consumed with their own grief that they can overlook the grieving, questions, fears, and confusion of children who are equally affected.

The truth is that we lack a solid vocabulary for death. When it occurs, we're left to search for the best way to approach the topic for each of our listeners.

If by taking advantage of news stories or other incidents you give children a basis of understanding, they'll move more easily through grief. And when it inevitably strikes, remember that children, too, need to grieve - and that the process will help prepare them to deal with other crises throughout their lives.

According to Rabbi Earl Grollman, a specialist in Death Education and author of numerous books on children and death, the way children perceive death depends on their age, developmental level, and life experiences. In order to discuss death with our children, we must know what they are thinking. What do they already know? What have they already experienced?

Generally, from two to about five years of age, children consider death reversible, like taking a trip from which one will eventually return. Adult euphemisms may compound the error: "Grandpa went away," or he is "up in the sky" or after burial, "underground" tends to be taken literally.

As Grollman warns, however, acceptance of such explanations does not mean that the child understands. The changes that inevitably accompany a death in the household, the child's own confusion and sense of loss, and the responses of adults around them can cause children to become irritable, clingy and demanding or to regress to behavior they have long outgrown. Three or four-year-olds may not want to go to school or even to sleep at night, for fear that they, too, may not return. Often the child's very unfamiliarity with the subject precludes his or her talking about it: it is not only adults who "cannot find words" to express grief.

A young child may needs years to grieve fully for the loss of a loved one. This delay in full expression may make adults feel that their children lack respect, because they do not show their grief. But, in the very concrete world of children, people do leave and then come back. The child will feel sadness when the situation makes him or her fully feel the loved one's absence,-not necessarily immediatey when told of the death.

Early in the elementary school years children begin to recognize the finality of death. They may personify it in the bogeyman or some kind of monster-that-comes-and-takes-you. Adults need to help children cope with these fears by giving simple, honest and accurate information. Only around the age of ten do most children realize that death is inevitable and not a cruel person but only an end to bodily life. Thus begins the sense of their own mortality and the search for identity and meaning in life.

All of our discussions of death are, at best, generalizations: children will vary widely in their responses. One thing , however, is certain. The way they deal with the feelings and move on depends on the actions of their parents, caregivers, teachers and others near them. All experts agree: the more a child can talk about feelings and share grief, the better off the child will be.

What to Say
Here are important things to remember when dealing with a grieving child:

1. Remember this explanation: "Death is when the body stops working." Do not use euphemisms. You are not protecting a child by saying that the person who died was lost, is sleeping forever, or has gone away. You only confuse the child or create fear that when Mom goes on a trip, she may never return. The challenge is to tell children in simple and concrete terms that you know they can grasp. Dr. Sandra Sutherland Fox, an instructor in psychiatry at Harvard Medical School and director of the Good Grief Program at Judge Baker Children's Center in Boston, has much experience with explaining death to children. She has found that the easiest explanation for children to understand is that death is when the body stops working.

2. Take the first opportunity to tell the child, or create one promptly. Children should be told immediately by a person they know well. Hearing from the wrong person in the wrong way is more harmful and more scary than hearing it from someone they love.

3. Listen to children's questions and encourage discussion. Hear what they think or feel about death so that you can correct any misunderstandings or confusion. Do not make assumptions about their feelings. Sometimes talking about the person or about death in general helps children cope. Start talking to them at a young age about non-threatening end-of-life situations such as the cycle of seasons in nature-the leaves and flowers and trees (even birds and bees!). Toddlers are not too young to kow.

4. Allow children to grieve. Do not say, "Show me how grown-up you are. Be brave, don't cry." Let them cry and be sad and angry. Children grieve as much as adults, but their behavior may not be recognized as grief. Help them to deal with their anger as well as their sadness. Aggressive or rude behavior may reflect internalized hurt feelings. Encourage them to say how they feel and why they are angry. Talking to other children who have experienced loss often helps a great deal.

5. Let them commemorate the death. You can make suggestions as to how to do that or let them come up with their own. Some possibilities: attending the funeral, keeping an article of the loved one's clothing or jewelry, hanging up pictures, making a card for placement in the casket, or (only if you have a green thumb!) planting a tree and then letting the child help you tend it.

Remember, it can take years for a child to fully experience the loss of someone close. The responses and actions of the people a child loves and trusts will have a great impact on that child's ability to cope with the loss and to grow from it.

RESOURCES

Talking About Death, a Dialogue between Parent and Child, Earl Grollman, Beacon Press, 1990. An excellent reference. Helps adults explain death to children; includes a "read-along" for children as well as an extensive guide to books, films and other resources to help adults and children of different ages talk about, understand and accept death.

Here is a small sampling of the children's books for preschool to age eight:
The Dead Bird, Margaret W. Brown, Young Scott Books, New York, 1958. Finding a dead bird whose body is still warm, a little girl and her playmates encounter death for the first time.

Life and Death in the Third Grade, Maureen and Cara Burns, Empey Enterprises, Greenville, MI, 1988. A third-grader is abruptly thrust into the world of death through the sudden accident of a close friend.

The Accident. Carol Carrick, Seaberg Press, New York, 1976. An honest look at a young boy's feelings of anger, guilt, and depression after his dog is killed.

Scat , Arnold Dobrin, Four Winds Press, New York, 1971. When Scott's grandma dies, Scott heeds her final advice to "listen to what your heart says…not your head." He says good-bye to her by playing the blues on his harmonica.

Audrey Harris. Why Did He Die? Lerner Publications, Minneapolis, 1965. A small child wrestles with his grandfather's dying.

My Grandmother Died, Bernice Hogan, Abingdon Press, Nashville, 1983. A boy misses his departed grandmother but is comforted by familiar reminders of her presence such as a pair of green mittens and larkspur in the backyard.

Annie and the Old One, Miska Miles, Little, Brown, Boston, 1971. The beautiful story of a little American Indian girl who is given a weaving stick by her dying grandmother.