by Becky Kavanagh

Becky has been a live-in nanny for nearly 18 years with the same family -- from the infancy of two through college of the oldest, and through parents' divorce, dual custody, and the re-marriage of one. Becky was the International Nanny Association's Nanny of the Year 2006 and received Parents Magazine's first award to a nanny for her dedication and creative work with children. The truths of Becky's original article still hold, and she has just updated it with a P.S.

Lately I've found myself thinking about the style of caregivers and parents as children turn into -- O no! -- adolescents. Our household, with a seventh-, a third- and a first-grader, engages me daily in this issue. I've contributed articles here about the gifted chid, about imagination, independent play and preparedness, but I don't know how well I've portrayed the progress of children as they move throughout the elementary grades into junior high school and the potential in this progress for the nanny.

Almost daily, Cassie, who is twelve going on 40, challenges me in so many ways. Sometimes the challenge is intellectual, spurring debate on issues or ideas, which we both love. Sometimes, however, the challenge is aimed directly at her parents' authority, or at mine. And occasionally she does things that seem to have no purpose but to wound. These attacks can pointed at someone in particular or everyone in the vicinity or just thrown out for any approaching victim. Yet Cassie also makes us laugh with her incisive wit, she is extraordinarily generous to others and has demonstrated outstanding child care abilities, ensuring our strong recommendations to neighborhood parents seeking a qualified "sitter."

Working with such adolescents -- probably with any adolescent -- is a real challenge: they are still children, who need us to guide them, to set limits and ensure their safety. A nanny may become more their friend or confidante, but they also need to know that she remains a partner to their parents.

Listen
Older children can seem rude, foolish or sassy when their words are judged rather than their ideas. I remember being a cocky teen and occasionally rather nasty, so that arguments with my mother started before either of us knew what was happening. Now that I'm the adult I catch myself reacting reflexively to what I hear coming from that lovely twelve-year-old: often her sarcasm and flippancy obscure her ideas. So I'm learning to step back and listen. I've found that perceiving and addressing her issues can be more important than correcting her demeanor. Sometimes just listening can resolve the need for confrontation: if a subject can be addressed openly, why attack? We can address the attitude at another time, keeping it separate from her ideas.

Mutual Respect
For girls in particular adolescence means sensitive feelings, so that ground rules are vital. Cassie's parents and I don't tolerate negative remarks, name-calling or harsh treatment of others. We work to set clear, reasonable and consistent boundaries. Most important, we know where our flexibility ends, so that, if a crisis looms, we can take a time-out for ourselves to separate the facts from the hot emotions and bruised feelings; ultimately my response to the situation needs to demonstrate clearly that I respect, support and care about these older children in my life, and I need to catch my breath in order to do that. Yes, modeling behavior for children continues as they mature. In fact, that's sometimes all you have left.

Praise the Positive
Tell them often how wonderful they are, because it's true. People have asked me how I can love working with children on a daily basis year after year -- but it's easy because children are the most fascinating people you will ever meet. I find even their nuclear meltdowns intriguing. Watching the progress of their interests and passions gives us plenty of opportunities to compliment. Take advantage of these moments: applaud achievements each day! I had a hard time one day recently finding something positive to tell nine-year-old Alec -- all I could come up with was thanking him for not slamming the car door. That one compliment, which I had to dig for, made all the difference in his attitude for the rest of the day: the adult's being able to look beyond the child's weakness allows him to do the same.

Challenge Yourself
The day may be gone when we spend the afternoons playing "kitchen band," blowing bubbles or playing hide-and-seek, but we can still find new activities to challenge us -- all of us. Reach beyond old boundaries, let children take more of the lead: sometimes they
don't need you to do anything, but just to be available.

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Post Script
I can hardly believe it’s been almost nine years since I wrote this article. In reading it again I was amazed and delighted to find that my observations about working with the older child have changed very little. However, I did think an update was in order.

Cassie is now a senior in college majoring in biochemistry with a minor in Latin American studies, and freaking out about getting into medical school next year. (I’ll interject here – she has absolutely nothing to worry about.) We keep in touch through email and by phone, and we take time to have our own special day when she’s home for vacation. It has been my privilege to watch her mature into a delightful young woman who has a great sense of humor and a balanced approach to life. Cassie was my first teacher in caring for the adolescent, the teenager. How thankful I am that her gentle soul led me through those years.

Alec is a High School Senior this year and almost 18 -- I started with the family when he was 6 weeks old. He loves the challenge of school and is looking forward to starting his college adventure next year. We still enjoy lively debates, and his favorite time is when we are heading home from his private cello lesson listening to our favorite tunes. Alec still introduces me as his nanny and has no problem giving me a hug in front of his friends. He is one confident guy! With few exceptions this teenage boy has been a pleasure to guide and care for.

Marissa is 15 and a high school sophomore. She’s decided to grab high school by the throat and show it who's boss. Her artistic nature has continued to flourish and her creativity amazes me. She is now the one who pushes my buttons, the one I need to take a deep breath before I respond to, the child who is riding the emotional rollercoaster of a teenage girl and I’m hanging on with all my might. It is also the two of us who will laugh until we are dizzy over the silliest of things, sing and dance all over the house, and watch our favorite movies with a batch of popcorn. Marissa too, has no hesitation in telling her friends about me so that when I meet them they know that I’m her crazy nanny.

One final story: all three kids have gone to the same summer camp since they were very young and the two oldest are now on the staff. Last summer, at the final campfire program, Cassie was introducing the family to one of her co-workers while Marissa was leaning against me and behind me Alec had his chin resting on my head. She got to the “and-this-is-Becky” part when her friend said, “Oh, you are the person who raised Cassie!” I was taken aback a little because I had not thought of my time with this family in those terms. The children’s dad was standing next to me and immediately responded, “She sure is!” I don’t think it can get any better than that.

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Are there insights you can share about your experience with adolescent charges? We'd love to read them. Post them below. -- Mary Clurman, Editor