by Mary Weldon, Certified Parent Educator and Instructor in Redirecting Children's Behavior

Until children develop self-control, they really cannot be given responsibility, which leaves parents and other adults constantly picking up after them, and worse.

Here's a natural and simple approach to developing self-control simultaneously in both child and supervising adult. It starts with the premise that the child can control himself or herself if given the opportunity. But it works only if the responsible adult models the same behavior.

The approach is called "Self-Quieting." It results in a peaceful state of mind in which emotions can be worked through and solutions to the problem found. The child learns that controlling others does not resolve conflict, but that he can achieve success by looking within. And best of all, you get to set an example that you will be delighted to have him imitate and learn from.

To begin, you and your child should both set up places where each of you can go separately when you need to regroup. The area should be pleasant and comforting. For the child, perhaps a spot in his own room, a rocking or beanbag chair, in the kitchen where it's warm, or even outside, where he can quiet down and work things out for himself, which might be by doing something (hammering nails into a stump, kicking a ball, going for a run), or just by sitting down and doing nothing.

For you, the quieting space could be a window with a view, your needlepoint, an airy room with quiet music -- any uncluttered, peaceful place for you alone. Each of you should plan and then create this place for yourself.

The next step is modeling behavior for the child. The first few times you may have to go with him; if he's old enough you may be able to put up a sign with three questions as a reminder:

What's the problem?
What's my part in the problem?
What is one thing I can do to improve the situation?

Here's what you do. Get down on your child's level, look into his eyes, and say calmly and lovingly (this part is critical; take a breath and do it right!), "It looks like you need a break. Go to your self-quieting place. Come back when you're calm and ready to move on or to resolve the problem."

Say this only once, which shows your respect for him -- and for yourself as well. If he doesn't leave, pick him up or lead him, always gently and lovingly.

If he comes back acting appropriately, let him stay; if not, return him to his space without a word. You may have to do this several times. Be patient. Be persistent. Don't say, "Come back in five minutes." That would be telling the child what to do, not letting him understand it for himself, which won't work and can backfire ("When can I come out? Is five minutes up yet?").

Some families will want to use a special word or signal to give notice that self-quieting is in order. But the child's space must be a happy place where he can collect his thoughts and regain composure and from which he can return cheerfully and peacefully -- not as a wrongdoer who's finally shaped up.

The Essential Difference
How is this approach different from Time Out? The idea is the same, but the focal point is quiet thoughtfulness in a comforting environment, along with an activity that the child chooses for its association with pleasure. It emphasizes the change in attitude, not the ticking clock.

Try this approach for a week, and you'll see how handling conflict positively can change the atmosphere in your home.

And for You…
But where does your own self-quieting place come in? If you're working with a child whose goal is power or revenge, who simply refuses to go to his own self-quieting place, you go to your own. Don't give him the power struggle he expects, just tell him you'll be back when you are ready.

Although at first this method may seem time-consuming, remember this principle: take time to teach now, and you won't have to teach the same thing again later. This is a wise investment of your time and energy, as well as a good exercise in self-control and stress management for you. The payoff in terms of self-respect, family harmony, and new problem-solving skills is tremendous. You are teaching conflict resolution skills to last a lifetime.

Make it your goal to bring peace to the conflict. Do this from a position of strength and purpose, not anger. Remember, peace begins within the home.

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Questions for you:

1. How is this approach different from the Time Out that you use?

2. If you've tried this approach, how long did it take you to master it? How were the results different?