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March 11, 2007

Are In-Laws Disposable??

We practical-minded Americans learn early to throw away what we don’t need today; if we need it tomorrow, we can always buy a new one. This rule seems to go for people as much as for things. Mom, Dad and the kids are the only inviolable unit for as long as children depend on us to take care of them. However it does evolve as they mature. Teens learn to shut parents out of what they consider private decisions – e.g., sex, drinking and drugs. Many adolescents wait to complete the break by getting married to start a new family of their own – hoping that one can shed the habits of one’s old family so that the new family is genuinely happier. But in truth, everyone loses out, not only do families need each other, but grandchildren especially need grandparents. And vice-versa.

We practical-minded Americans learn early to throw away what we don’t need today; if we need it tomorrow, we can always buy a new one.

This rule seems to go for people as much as for things. Independence, getting ahead, seeing our children succeed – these are the things in life that count. Thus, if an old friend no longer shares our values, or a business partner destroys us financially, well, either friends/ partners/other people can’t be trusted anyway, or we find new ones. Ultimately, for most of us the nuclear family – Mom, Dad and the kids – is the only inviolable unit, and that holds true for as long as children depend on us to take care of them.

However it does evolve as children mature. Teens learn to shut parents out of what they consider private decisions – e.g., sex, drinking and drugs. Truly desperate children separate themselves completely by running away, disappearing for good. Many adolescents wait to complete the break by getting married, whether to escape a destructive family life, to start a new one of their own, or both. Ideally, one might shed the habits of one’s old family so that the new family, our own, is genuinely happier.

Once we do have a new family, it’s easy enough to forget the old. We have each other to care for, it’s enough to deal with work and the kids, and we have our own lives to lead. So we probably won’t think it a problem for our parents when we decide to move to a new town, or a new state, or a new country. (Meanwhile, they may migrate to Florida or Arizona because they, too, feel newly independent.) With physical distance, communication can deteriorate, and maybe that was the plan. If so, everyone loses out, because grandchildren need grandparents and vice-versa.

Let’s examine all this more closely, because when we lose in-laws, not only do our children lose grandparents: we all lose out.

In-Law Basics

We often hear stories of problems with in-laws: the mothers- and fathers-in-law who complain about sons- and daughters-in law who “aren’t good enough” or “don’t do things the way we did,” while sons- and daughters-in-law reciprocate with their own complaints. So we’ll start by clarifying terms, and with them, expectations.

1. By getting married, you acquire ties beyond spouse and children-to-be. No longer simply an individual, you now belong to an extended family because marriage is a process in which relatives on both sides turn into in-laws; two families expand with the addition of the next generation – your parents don’t lose a son/daughter, they gain a daughter/son.

2. In rearing you your parents theoretically accepted their side of this same obligation: not only must they let you, their grown children, go, but also, once you’re gone, they must accept you back with your spouse. That is, it should go without saying that your parents are just as obliged to accept your mate as your mate is obliged to accept them as in-laws. Thus family life over the centuries endures an infinite cycle of expansion and contraction. Each round of the cycle – marriage, children, aging, death and new marriages – is its own rite of passage.

3. Where did we get the term in-law? Those who coined it must have had a reason. Apparently, as far as the law was concerned, your spouse’s parents are equally your parents. Was the term invented so that an incoming spouse could not turn out the parents who had raised his/her mate? A way for society to ensure that someone supported the older generation in its later years? Even if we don’t take the term literally, even if there’s no actual law to support it, it’s clearly meant as an incentive, not a deterrent, to active family relations.

4. Did the same ancestors invent the term grandparent as an ameliorative, a means to help us see in-laws as a blessing when they might seem more a curse? Might good relations lie simply in a change of viewpoint?

5. Does the phrase extended family reflect (to at least some degree) a need to set the older generation just slightly apart from the nucleus, as members of a former life, as if they were just, well, old friends? Does the term contradict or support the fact that from your parents’ viewpoint, your mother will always be your mother, ditto for the parents of your spouse? It’s important to know, because to your parents, they are not the interlopers, your spouse is: they were there first.

Grandparents vs. In-Laws

Are we lucky or unlucky that, in America, families are expected to be mobile, to move on to new lives with our new families? Now that they don’t have us to take care of, they’ll be in some nice warm place where frankly it may be hard to spend time with them at all. No, in the USA, most parents don’t assume that they will move in with us, bringing with them your brothers and sisters, who bring their own children and crying babies, as we are told happens in third world countries.

While the disadvantages of such multigenerational housing are clear, we ought to consider also the advantages. Besides the built-in playmates and baby-sitters, you get help with household chores, there’s always someone to offer advice or share a recipe, children can get away with more of the little stuff and yet must learn early to share and to take responsibility. Everyone has to get along. While all of this may not work out perfectly, one cannot escape the need to compromise, and so one grows.

In short, society expects each generation to accept the other. Yet no one teaches us how to make it work out. In other words, if you thought marriage and child-rearing were tough, add extended family to your list, because they are part of the deal. We all have to learn to make it work.

Making the Most of Grandparents

Having grandparents around can be a big help, but your main concern should be their availability to your children, which turns out to be most of what they want. Thus,

Rule #1: You don’t have to call then Mom and Dad if you don’t want to: first names are good enough.

Rule #2: You don’t have to be their best friend, but your child could be. There’s an old man at the Senior Center near my home who seems to come there once a week to get reception on his cell phone so he can make a loving call to his great grandchildren. It’s not much, but it makes him very happy.

Rule #3: You do have to call them something – you can’t just ignore them. If they send a gift, send a thank-you note. If you don’t like the gift, consider telling them what you would like. If they call, don’t tell them you were just about to take a nap or that you have a good friend on the other line, at least not without setting a time to return their call.

Rule #4: If only to see their grandchildren, grandparents will visit. When they do, be sure to spend some adult time with them. The rest of the time they will probably want most of all to be with the little ones – terrific for you! If they spoil the children unduly, set rules or limit the exposure, but be sure to talk to your spouse – and your in-laws! – so as to plan this together.

Rule #5: Don’t put your spouse in the middle. If you don’t want your in-laws’ advice on decorating, your spouse is not the one to say so. Besides, it doesn’t hurt to listen – you don’t have to agree. Do what you like, but be kind enough to hear them out. In fact, tell them what you want to do. That will make it clear that you already have a plan, and they might just have something worthwhile to offer.

Rule #6: You’re not in this alone. Clarifying your feelings to your partner will help you deal with the problem, and finding a solution will bring you closer to each other.

Rule #7: You want your children to be able to express their feelings, but you won’t teach them that by covering up your own. If you have a problems with your spouse’s parents, look for ways to work them out. You may or may not be entirely successful, but you will have tried. Not only might that ensure that your children receive the extra love and care their grandparents have to bestow, it also ensures that, when your children marry and start a family, they will know how to include not only you, but their partner’s parents as well.

Rule #8: Finally, if you still have a problem, don’t sit on it, confront it. You probably can’t do that by telephone, you need to be face to face to see each other’s full reaction and response. So set aside a time, make it as comfortable as you can, start with an appreciation, but get to your concern. Try to phrase it as a question, e.g., “When you said (whatever it was), did you mean (what you thought it meant)?” That gives your in-law a chance to correct your impression or to confirm it. If the former, there’s not a problem after all; if the latter, assess the damage, remembering that not everyone may be as articulate or tactful as you. Besides, sometimes the younger generation has to help the older one grow up.

***

And now for your thuoghts…

How important were your grandparents to you when you were a child? What do you remember most about them?

How did your parents relate to your grandparents? Were they good friends, seldom seen, or somewhere in between, and how come?

If you are an in-law and grandparent, what has your experience been? How would you advise others to approach their situation?

Looking forward to hearing from you and hoping you will share your thoughts with other visitors – MC

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